Introduction
I can feel the loneliest I’ve ever been in a crowd of people, yet content and happy all on my own. So, how do we define being alone versus feeling lonely and isolated? For neurodivergent people—autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, dyslexic, etc.—these terms are highly subjective and influenced by societal expectations around social norms.
I’ve included a link to an insightful article about loneliness at the end of this blog. Let’s discuss how being alone or feeling lonely can impact people at Christmas.
Demands at Christmas
Many neurodivergent people experience PDA, formally known as Pathological Demand Avoidance, though I prefer the term Persistent Drive for Autonomy. PDA exists on a spectrum, and individuals may have varying needs. To feel ‘safe’ and regulated, some require structured approaches, while others need more freedom. Nervous systems play a significant role here.
Here is a link from the PDA Society about PDA at Christmas.
Let’s consider demands around being alone or feeling lonely. Imagine the ideal Christmas: spending it entirely on your own, doing whatever you want. Perhaps lounging in pyjamas, eating whatever takes your fancy, getting up when you please, and enjoying a warm, cosy atmosphere lit with fairy lights and candles. How does that sound?
Why does Christmas create such a frenzy anyway? Are you religious? Do you enjoy splurging on presents for distant relatives or indulging in an elaborate Christmas feast? Or does the thought of endless social engagements fill you with dread?
Many neurodivergent people don’t conform to societal norms. Others do—perhaps because they don’t realise they are neurodivergent and feel compelled to mask, which leads to exhaustion. Some force themselves into situations they’d rather avoid, resulting in resentment, meltdowns, or shutdowns.
Why Might You Feel Lonely This Christmas?
Bereavement
When my father passed away at 83 in May 2019, the first Christmas without him was challenging. My mum chose to spend the day alone in her room at her residential home. I respected her wishes and didn’t make any demands.
It’s vital to respect each other’s needs during emotional times. Grieving a loved one, whether human or a beloved pet, is deeply personal. Let those grieving decide what they need without pressure.
Humans Need Connection
Do we all really need connection? Research often suggests loneliness can be as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes daily, potentially leading to stress-related illnesses. However, being forced to connect with people we’d rather avoid can also cause stress, don’t you think?
Personally, being forced to connect left me exhausted and ruminating. Now, I connect in ways that suit me—writing, engaging with my community on social media, and enjoying the company of my cats.
I also connect with nature. A walk through the woods or along a deserted beach nourishes my mental and physical health. I never feel alone in nature.
Neurodivergent people vary—some thrive in solitude while others are outgoing. If you’re an extrovert worried about loneliness this Christmas, consider opportunities to plan ahead or join events that align with your preferences.
Overcoming Loneliness This Christmas
Time for self-reflection: Ask yourself, “If I woke up on Christmas Eve and a miracle had happened, what would my perfect Christmas look like?”
Use your imagination. If you’re alone, what can you do to recreate some of those images?
Here are a few suggestions:
- Do what you love: Create playlists, read that book you’ve been meaning to start, or dive into your favourite hobby.
- Make your environment comfortable: Adjust it to suit your sensory needs.
- Connect with others: Arrange video calls or phone chats with loved ones.
- Indulge in entertainment: Watch your favourite films or binge a box set.
- Tackle a project: Clear out that cupboard or start a creative endeavour.
- Catch up on rest: If your biggest wish is to sleep through Christmas, do it—it’s your choice.
I once spent Christmas Eve in a London hotel and walked through the near-deserted city on Christmas morning. The quiet was blissful.
Loneliness as a State of Mind
Sometimes, loneliness stems from our perceptions. Overuse of screens, comparing ourselves to others, or striving for unattainable goals can exacerbate feelings of isolation. How can we feel content with what we already have?
Look Within
Learning who you truly are can bring purpose and fulfillment. This requires moments of peace and quiet. Take time to reflect. When negative thoughts arise, acknowledge them with compassion, then set them aside for the moment. Techniques like journaling, art, or even making a cup of tea can help.
I’ve spent four years discovering myself and am happier and calmer for it. If you’re alone this Christmas, use the time to learn more about yourself.
Resources for Lonely People This Christmas
If loneliness or sadness is weighing on you this Christmas, there are resources available:
- Fresh Start Counselling
- Young Minds
- Mental Health Foundation
- Samaritans
- Frome Council – Mental Health Support
- Mind
For more insights on the impact of loneliness, read this powerful article: The Loneliness Trap – Guardian Article.
If you’d like support, I’m offering discounted one-off sessions over Christmas at £50 per hour. Regular ongoing therapy remains at £70 per hour.
Sending support over the festive season,
Sally