Menopause and Loss
Hi Meno Sisters! I’m Sally, 61 – going on 24 – and still feeling the effects of menopause. I remember all of it. I hope to support you on your journey now I’ve learned what it can mean for so many of us. I’ll be chatting about all sorts of topics relating to perimenopause, menopause and post menopause. The highs, lows, and everything in between. I’ll put my email address at the bottom. Please feel free to get in touch to continue the chat
Today is all about ‘loss’. When I thought about writing this blog I was quite gobsmacked about how much we feel loss during the menopause years. It’s bonkers.
Physical symptoms of loss
When your periods stop
We don’t all get the Prosecco out when our periods start faltering and eventually stop.
How do you feel about it?
“Not a lot of people know this.” Twenty points for guessing who said this. Answer at the end. You might be surprised
Perimenopause is the time when your periods become irregular and you start getting a load of symptoms. It can last months or years. Up to ten years.
Menopause is the day – yes, the actual day – when you haven’t had a period for twelve months.
Post menopause. This is every day after your final period and lasts for the rest of your life.
Feeling sad about the loss of your periods
Having periods is such a female thing, and I will add that being female is not binary. It means different things to different people. We are talking about periods, so you kinda need to have had them to relate.
I was one of the lucky ones. I started mine when I was 16. They were regular and not too heavy. My stuff was much more psychological. You will have a unique experience.
For me, it was about change. I’m AuDHD. Didn’t have a clue about this until years after my perimenopause. I thought menopause was when women were in their fifties. One thing I did know. I hated change. In Days of Yore the menopause was called ‘The Change’. Do you remember your mum or gran calling it that?
I hated my periods changing. I didn’t know if I was going to have one or not and was often caught out – horrific. Stains on the back of my skirt – Yuck!
I felt such a loss during this time. Did you? I couldn’t put my finger on it, but was like grief. Losing my womanhood. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to have any more babies. I was grateful to have had two boys, late though. Hugo arrived in 2000 when I was 35 and Henry in 2002, aged 37. Not long after peri started. What a hormone perfect storm that was! Do you have kids and did you have them late? I wonder how that affected you?
My perimenopause did last for years and eventually I went on HRT. I chose one that still gave me periods. I wasn’t ready to give them up. Too emotional. The whole HRT debarkle was crazy. That’s a blog for another time.
Loss of Hormones
“Oh, my Giddy Aunt!” You can tell I’m old, can’t you?
I don’t want to go all clinical and pathologising. You can Google ‘hormones and menopause’ to find out how crazy your hormones get during perimenopause. I’m not a doctor. I am a psychotherapist, so my stuff is all about how the hormone fluctuations affect your mental health. Nevertheless, hormones cause all sorts of Gremlin-like havoc around your body and can give you feelings of loss.
Hormone changes can cause loss of hair, brittle nails, dodgy skin (I looked like an acne ridden teenager), less elasticity of your skin, muscle wastage and loss of bone density. Oh yes, you might find your teeth start moving about and giving you problems. Why oh why did God Almighty give us all of this?
Weight gain
I’m 9kg heavier than I used to be. Before peri I was the same weight, all the time. I now have a stomach paunch, cellulite and a fat arse. My little legs look like triangles. Not sexy. Have you put on weight, and have you found it ridiculously hard to get it off?
All of these physical symptoms can make us experience feelings of loss. Loss of our beauty, energy and general fitness. To be honest, I’ve accepted that I’m paunchier and that my skin is flabbier. I’ve stopped lifting huge weights and pounding on the treadmill. Now I walk every day – just for 35 minutes, around our estate and I do some dumbbell work for the old bingo wings in the kitchen when I’m waiting for the coffee to brew.
For the hair and nails I ‘eat the rainbow’. This basically means stuffing your face with colourful fruits and vegetables and drinking LOADS of water.
Loss of sleep
Meno sisters. This one is super tough. How many of you have sleep problems? If you’re ADHD you might already have sleep issues. Whack in perimenopause and sleep can get a whole lot worse. Those blimmin night sweats! We haven’t talked about hot flushes yet. We will.
When we don’t get enough sleep and quality sleep at that, we feel rubbish the next day. Perimenopause is going to make many of you feel even more sensitive than you may already do. Lack of sleep will exacerbate this. We’re talking heightened stress responses, anxiety and possibly depression. What can you do about it?
Say “bye bye” to the booze
I know from personal experience how hard this can be. I was a right old lush for decades. When I drank to relieve my horrible symptoms during perimenopause (which I didn’t know I had) at 42 I turned into a complete witch. Alcohol made everything worse. I drank to calm down when I felt overwhelmed and to stimulate myself when I felt numb. Only now do I realise how damaging it was. I self-harmed and nearly lost my marriage.
If you don’t have a problem with alcohol, then ‘great’. If you do, maybe think about cutting down or quitting completely. It will make perimenopause symptoms much less acute.
Alcohol will disrupt your sleep and make you dehydrated. As your emotions are likely to be all over the place, booze can lead to arguments and all sorts of relationship breakdowns. It can make you clumsy, and that increases the risk of injury. Remember what I said about muscle wastage and loss of bone density?
Little story. I broke both my ankles, just walking out of my back door in 2020, during COVID. My ankles were already weak because of the loss of muscle mass and bone density. I hadn’t been drinking. I’d quit a few years before. But I had been a drinker. I had also lost oestrogen – the protector.
We need to protect our bodies ladies, seriously.
Hot flushes
Hideous hey? I found it quite fascinating watching my best friend Amanda having a hot flush. She would be sitting next to me and I’d watch as her face, first went red, and beads of sweat sprung up all over it. Immediately she’d get out her scrunchy and put her hair into a ponytail. She’d rip off her cardy and start fanning herself madly. Poor Love.
Many of us neurodivergent types have sensory differences. We already experience temperature control problems and hot flushes heighten them by a gazillion per cent. Another loss, the loss of being able to control our body temperature.
Have you heard of ‘interoception’? It’s when we are acutely aware of stuff going on in our bodies like breathing, heart rate, aches and pains, hunger, thirst, needing a pee and loads more. So, for us, hot flushes can be awful. It feels like Mount Etna has erupted inside us and it can lead to meltdowns and overwhelm.
As our climate warms, the heatwaves we keep experiencing, combined with our hot flushes, can become unbearable. Seriously, invest in a decent fan and maybe get a small, portable one you can charge up. Ensure your clothes are light and comfortable and that you are able to take layers off. Possibly not sitting in your bra and knickers in the office. You know what I mean. Sip water all day and watch out for the sun.
Emotional loss during menopause
Identity
Do you even know who you are anymore?
I am not the same Sally I was before menopause. It’s a fact. I’ve done so much work on myself that, at 61, I do know myself better now. I wish I had known more, all those years ago.
Do you feel unseen, unheard and invalidated?
Feeling invisible, or that no one seems to understand you, can have a huge impact on what it means to be ‘you’. So many women I speak to tell me that they feel they have lost who they once were. Look, you may not be the person you used to be but you can be a whole, incredible person again. Perimenopause can be really tough but it doesn’t last forever. Once your periods have finally stopped and you go into ‘post’ menopause, things should start to settle and you can start reclaiming your identity.
Loss of creativity
Whether it is brain fog, lack of focus, loss of joy or the inability to do tasks, you might have found that your creativity has taken a nosedive. This can create a big feeling of loss. Perhaps perimenopause is a time to put big creative projects on the shelf for a while. Give yourself a break. It doesn’t mean you have to stop being creative, maybe just do smaller, easier creative projects that don’t sap your energy or make you feel worthless.
Little story. During peri my creativity disappeared and made me feel really sad. It was like the joy had gone from my life. At 45 something shifted. My creativity returned. I wrote my first book! Please have hope. Your creativity might change and it will very likely return. You can look forward to new projects.
Loss of parents
Caring for elderly parents
During the menopause years you may well be looking after your mum and/or dad. This is a massive deal for you emotionally. I went through this with both my parents. They were some of the toughest years but, in some ways, they were beautiful too. Looking back, I feel a big sense of achievement that I was there during the final years of their lives. Yes, I was bloody knackered after they had died, but I’m glad I cared for them.
Grief
Grief affects different people in very different ways. If you are ADHD, autistic or AuDHD, you may have very unique ways of dealing with your grief. Not only are you experiencing the different losses associated with menopause, you may have actually lost the people who gave birth to you. I see you. I understand some of how hard this can be.
Overcoming loss and grief
There are many more ways of feeling loss and I will write about them more in the weeks ahead. For now, I just want to say that I am here for you. I have my Private Practice and if you’d like to have a free chat via Zoom or phone then please email me at Sallyanne.nilsson@yahoo.com You are welcome to ask any questions that have come up after reading this post and I’ll try to answer them as best I can.
There will be losses and there will be gains too. Menopause is just one phase in your life.
Oh yes, that quote – “Not a lot of people know that.” It was actually said by Peter Sellers who was doing an impression of Michael Caine on the Michael Parkinson show. Caine went on to use the phrase himself, specifically in the film ‘Educating Rita’.
“Ta Ta For Now”. I’ll be back with a new blog very soon.
Sending love
Sally
