How to Listen
Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. When you truly listen, you need to zip the lip, close the cake hole, and shut the hell up. You won’t be listening if you keep chiming in with, “Oh yes, that happened to me that time when I…” or “Well, you know what you should do about that now?” Unhelpful. Looking down at your phone won’t cut the mustard, and neither will dealing with other distractions.
If someone has something important they need to talk about, turn off your phone—completely—and go somewhere quiet. This act alone shows support and empathy. Don’t try to fit the talk in around a busy schedule. Make it clear how much time you have, or rearrange for when you have more time. Cutting short a difficult conversation is inconsiderate. For instance, talking to a poorly relative while driving and then getting cut off in a tunnel is a definite no-no.
Asking the Right Questions
Let’s start with, “What’s the matter?” Can you see anything tricky about this? It’s a bit vague, isn’t it? Try to be more specific: “Tell me what it is that’s bothering you at the moment.” This phrasing is more open and implies that the issue is temporary and can be overcome.
Unless you are specifically looking for a yes/no answer, open-ended questions will yield much more information. Closed questions begin with:
- Do you…?
- Are you…?
- Have you…?
- Will you…?
Open-ended questions, however, help to expand the conversation. For example:
- “And then what happened?” This question beautifully keeps the conversation flowing, and you can use it multiple times.
- “When do you not feel like this?”
- “How can this situation be improved?”
- “What do you see yourself doing two years from now?”
- “What will your life look like when you leave that horrible job?”
- “What type of job are you looking for now?”
- “How did you and your partner meet?”
- “Give me two or three examples of when you felt confident in this role.”
Body Language
These are counselling tricks of the trade, but you can use them in any situation—whether at work or in your personal life. Mirror the other person, but don’t make it too obvious. For example, if the other person is sitting cross-legged, you can do the same. If they are speaking loudly, you can match their tone—unless you’re trying to de-escalate a tense situation, in which case you can gradually lower your voice to bring the volume down.
If they’re leaning forward, subtly mimic this. As they shift, you can follow suit, but keep it subtle. Avoid copying like the young French boy in Mr. Bean’s Holiday (great film, in my humble opinion). The key is subtlety.
Make eye contact, but don’t stare. If the person is introverted, prolonged eye contact might make them uncomfortable. As they speak, nod occasionally to show you’re engaged. You can also say things like, “Yes, I see,” “Uh-huh,” “Really?” or “Wow.” These small verbal cues demonstrate active listening.
If the person starts rambling, it might be challenging to take everything in. Interrupt politely by saying, “Can I just get this right?” or “Just so I understand what you’re saying…” Then paraphrase what they’ve said in your own words (not parrot fashion). This is called active listening and shows you understand. You can follow up with, “Have I got that right?” or “Is this what you mean?”
Asking for examples and using open-ended questions will help move the conversation forward. Imagine you’re on a date. A great way to ensure your companion wants to see you again is to share very little about yourself and use these techniques to learn about them. They’ll feel listened to, cared for, and valued—a win-win situation! The same applies to difficult chats with relatives, interviews, or meeting an old acquaintance in the street.
Embrace Silence
Many people find silences awkward—I used to, too. This is definitely worth practicing. Try not to jump in when there’s a quiet moment. Some people need more time to process what’s been said. When too many instructions or topics are shared in quick succession, it can be overwhelming. Slow down. Listen. You don’t want to miss the crux of the matter.
When there’s a pause, let it settle. Wait. Maybe glance around, take a breath, and give the other person a moment. On more than a few occasions, the ‘thing’ that really matters has emerged from that silent space.
The Reward of Listening
When someone has truly listened to me—really listened—I feel lighter, happier, and cared for. It makes me feel so good that I want others to feel the same way. When they do, I often receive lovely feedback and reviews. That’s totally rewarding.