We have just come to the end of ADHD Awareness Month and this blog is a celebration.
ADHD can bring many challenges but it is important to remember that ADHD people have many strengths and skills. When we ask for help and spend time with those who understand us, we can thrive. See if you relate to some of reasons to see the good in ADHD. I speak your language. I’m only an expert of myself, but offer guidance and support to those who are just wired differently.
When you ask the question – “Am I ADHD?”
Yes, ‘I’ am ADHD but how did I know? What did I do to discover this? I ‘mesearched’ – FOR FOUR YEARS – and this is what I found out.
First I read ADHD 2.0 by Edward Hallowell which is packed full of signs that I am an ADHDer and, to this day, I still follow much of what Ed says, ie:
- Drink 2 litres of water a day
- Exercise, in my case, it’s walking and dancing.
- Get good quality sleep which I track on my Fitbit
- Ensure diet is packed with essential minerals, amino acids and vitamins
- Keep busy doing things that interest
- Know how to rest
I went niche as a Counsellor for neurodivergent people and actively listened to my new ADHD clients, taking great interest in what they were telling me. Hopping down many rabbit holes I consumed huge amounts of interest led knowledge about ADHD and how it fits into UNIQUE life experiences.
“WHEN YOU’VE MET ONE ADHDer YOU’VE MET ONE ADHDer!”
One of the biggest questions for me has been, is it ADHD or is it trauma? For me, it’s both. The vital importance of this is that I healed my trauma because I know this is a mental health challenge. I was born ADHD as my ancient ancestors were. ADHD is not a mental health condition in itself. I believe my trauma is also generational. I worked through my negative life experiences with a Counsellor and learned all about ADHD as a neurotype.
My biggest area of work is helping clients discover who they really are. I do not assess or diagnose ADHD – that is not my job. I can observe and actively listen and I can support people on their journeys, whether that is through coaching, getting assessed, wanting to take medication and looking at life histories and mental health.
Psychoeducation is a game changer. I can honestly say that, approaching 60, and having learned a lot, I know who I am and how I tick and I like myself better for it. I feel calmer and more joyous. There are so many resources which I share in order to give tailor-made support for each unique client.
ADHD has exploded in the media and many thousands of people want to know if they are ADHD. Not all will be. Some will have experienced pretty horrible life experiences, especially important from birth to age five. This is when bad stuff embeds deep into the memory banks and it can take years, decades even, before it returns and causes mental health challenges.
So, are you ADHD?
I recommend going back to your birth and making a simple timeline of your life experiences. Can you see early negative life experiences in your personal history? Perhaps consider booking some sessions with an ADHD Professional, one who is also ADHD is ideal. One that is trauma-trained is even better.
Mental health should be treated by a fully qualified and vetted mental health professional whose training is accredited. ADHD Coaching is a horse of a different colour. Fantastic, but different. I am a member of the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society and the Hypnotherapy Society. I’m insured, have regular supervision and follow strict guidelines to keep my clients safe.
Mental Health and ADHD
It’s a chicken and egg thing. What came first – the mental health issues or the ADHD?
We are born ADHD – if we are the Hunter Gatherer type. We evolved this way and are wired differently. I will keep this belief until there is new evidence which proves there is a causal link like lead poisoning, congenital defects or other factors in our environment.
Pregnancy and birth. If our mothers were traumatised during pregnancy or birth so can we be. If our hosts drank alcohol or took drugs we can be affected. If the birth was difficult, yes, you’ve guessed it, we can be harmed.
Let’s say none of this happened.
When we are born into a happy family and our primary caregivers give us the best start in life, we will thrive. It’s no walk in the park being a parent. We are talking unconditional love, 100% engagement, loads of bodily contact and attention and attending to the specific needs each child must have. No two humans are the same and each child will have their own unique needs.
When children have benefited from this love and support they can learn to be independent very early on. They grow emotional intelligence and discover how to be human. Children who have had this start in life fare much better when the tough times ahead approach – and they will.
School can be a strange and scary place but with a good start in life, this experience can also be healthy. Same for further education, work and family life.
When a different scenario takes place all of the above gets thrown out of the window. Imagine the opposite of a good start in life. Parents separating or an unhappy home life. Drugs or alcohol misuse. Neglect and/or spoiling? Sibling rivalry and a lack of parental understanding that all children are different.
An unhappy school life with bullying or the inability to study because specific needs are not being met. Poverty, crime and negative life experiences can all contribute to unhealthy outcomes.
Unsurprisingly, mental health is compromised. At any point, when essential needs are not met, an ADHDer can suffer. But is it trauma? Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can lead to traits which mimic ADHD. Getting the right support is essential. So often people are misdiagnosed and spend years receiving incompatible support – harmful, especially when medication and the wrong type of therapy are involved.
We need to be very careful how we treat and support our ADHD humans. The right treatment for the right people.
I am a Hunter Gatherer ADHDer and have experienced ACEs. Thank God I know this and have been able to get the correct treatment.
Object Permanence
We learn that just because we cannot see a thing, it still exists. For ADHDers we have a whole different take on Object Permanence and what it means for us.
All my life I have had a thing about objects put away or people leaving and a feeling like they don’t exist anymore. Since my ‘enlightenment’ I feel so much better about this fascinating trait of my ADHD.
Us ADHDers may well have differences with attention, distraction, memory and focus but for me, object permanence seems different. Here’s an example.
I had many jobs and often became very close with the people I worked with. I felt a deep emotional connection and work was like a family. When I left a job I rarely kept in contact with my workmates, even though I truly loved them. I’m the opposite of a boomerang. When I leave something, I don’t want to go back. It’s time to move on.
‘Out of sight, out of mind’.
Years will pass and I may think about those past workmates with lots of nostalgia and a yearning to get in touch. I may want this but my friends may not. In essence, I have dumped them. It wasn’t born of meanness, I’m just moving on.
This happens with friends too. We have moved 150 miles away from where I grew up and had all my old friends. They might as well be in Australia. There isn’t enough regular contact. These ‘objects’, my friends, have become ‘impermanent’. If both of us don’t keep in touch regularly they will cease to exist, which is sad.
I see many clients who get very frustrated with themselves when they can’t find things or when they start any kind of project and get bored quickly afterwards. They describe feelings of failure at seeing boxes of hobbies, shelving not put together and a whole bunch of things left half-done. Objects end up in the garage of the loft, forgotten. They cease to exist and the negative emotion stays.
Now I understand so much more about my own experiences of object permanence I can listen to my clients’ woes, empathise and offer solutions.
When I feel cross with myself for not keeping in touch with someone I sit with the thought and become curious for a short while. I notice how I feel in my body and the thoughts that are appearing in my mind.
Compassion is key here. Rather than fill myself with shame and guilt I remember the good times we spent in the past and allow myself to smile. Those times were special. I let myself feel grateful for them. I don’t have to take action. Allowing the thought to move on and distracting myself helps.
I have felt cross with myself for not finishing the hobbies that I was fixated on. “Come on Sal, don’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe you’ll want to start it up again another time.”
‘That was then and this is now’. ADHD people are naturally full of new ideas and we love novelty. We’re dopamine hunters and magpies. I think that’s a wonderful thing.
At present, I am having part of our garage converted to create a Sally den and office. There will be storage units and those plastic tall drawer units with all my hobbies, stationary and everything I love. Everything is visible. Nothing is behind or enclosed so I don’t know where it is. Even my clothes are on a rail now so that they exist and I know I will wear them.
Emotionally, the work I have done to manage my object permanence has been so freeing and has made me very happy. I love nuance and knowing that things – and people – come and go. The things I want in my life I can see and I put a bit more effort into keeping in touch with old friends. It’s OK if they are pants at calling. I don’t have to be.
I hope you can stop beating yourselves up about object permanence. It’s a little quirk we often have and that is all.
Intrusive Thoughts
For me, intrusive thoughts are linked to other characteristics of my ADHD such as rejection, criticism, fairness and justice, family and friends, communication, stress and physical and mental health.
Example. I have noticed that a close friend is available much less than they used to be. The times we speak on the phone are less often, texts are few and actual meetings are rare. The friend tells me they love me and there’s always xxxx and 💗 💗. When we do speak it’s as if I saw them the day before. However…
I can be consumed for days, or even weeks with negative intrusive thoughts that they don’t like me anymore, I have done something wrong, I am too much, we have drifted apart. Grief and loss, imposter syndrome and so many thoughts can crowd my head.
Sometimes, given time – say three or four weeks – the negative thoughts can fade on their own and I’ll look back and think, “What the hell was that all about?” I might cull the friendship because I couldn’t bear the feelings.
Since learning about my ADHD and what it means for my unique lived experience I have made changes and, THANK GOD, they have made all the difference in the world. Before I rush in with a gazillion, almost OCD thoughts, I pause. Pausing has been a game-changer.
Then I ask myself, “What is the evidence?” At what point, ever, did that person say they didn’t want to be friends?
Then I ask myself “What might be happening in their life?” Yikes, I hadn’t thought enough about them. By reframing I can become kinder and more compassionate. Perhaps they are stressed. Maybe something has happened in their lives. They might be feeling lonely or have a problem with their family. Already my imposter syndrome and thoughts begin to dissipate.
Thoughts ‘are’ just thoughts. By pausing, reframing and being compassionate we can do so much to overcome the ruminating and negative self-talk. Feeling the weight lift off my shoulders has become a common occurrence and feels great.
I can divert my attention, distract myself and do a whole bunch of other things to keep intrusive thoughts at bay. I’ve built up a number of different techniques which I share with my clients.
Emotions and Feelings
As a Psychotherapist I work with emotions and feelings. ADHD people know a whole lot about them. Let’s explore them.
I am ADHD and during my lifetime I’ve had buckets of feelings and emotions coming to the surface. It is part of who I am. I bet you have too.
You may have heard when learning about ADHD that we have a ‘problem’ with emotional ‘dys’ regulation. I’m not keen on this evaluation because it makes it sound as though we are out of control and somewhat broken when, in fact, we just have challenges living in a mismatched world which suits the majority of people, but not us.
Emotions can be experienced consciously or unconsciously. Many of us ADHDers have big holes in our memories so it can be difficult to know what has triggered our emotions. I describe myself as a visual, pattern-matching detective. I am curious and want to know the whole story of my client’s life and experiences.
A client may come to me and say they feel anger, depression, shame or guilt. These are abstract nouns. We need to unpack what they mean.
I might ask, “When you feel anger, where in your body do you get the sensation?” My client might reply, “It is in my throat and my chest.” This is interesting because it might mean my client has not been able to speak for themselves or they feel very hurt around their heart. We can then practise techniques to release the feelings and talk about past experiences that led to these sensations.
Our feelings arise from memories of past experiences, and triggers. If we have been let down by a partner, shouted at by a teacher or parent, or humiliated. Our thoughts may start racing and we could experience unpleasant sensations in our bodies.
Many ADHD people I speak with are super empaths. They are compassionate and often spend more time thinking of others before themselves. They feel the need to work harder to prove themselves to feel worthy. Emotions around guilt, shame, self-blame and even disgust are common.
When emotions run wild our bodies release cortisol and adrenaline. When this keeps happening it can make our bodies inflamed and lead to illness. Lowering stress is top of the list. Sometimes it might mean big life changes.
ADHD people evolved to be emotional and have strong feelings. Our perception and intuition would have been important for our tribe’s survival. In this strange world, it can be hard for us. We do not want to conform to things which just don’t suit us. Feeling safe in our bodies, in our environment and with the people we surround ourselves with is of paramount importance.
Although many of us use the words ‘emotions’ and ‘feelings’ interchangeably, they are actually different.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria
“No one likes rejection or criticism”. True but millions of ADHD people react in a truly unique way.
ADHD and autistic people can feel actual pain when confronted with criticism and rejection. The pain may be so severe it can end lives. ‘Dysphoria’ is an ancient Greek word broken down to mean ‘grievous’, ‘bad’, ‘difficult’, and ‘a profound state of unease and dissatisfaction.
For ADHD people we might also identify as PDA – Persistent Drive for Autonomy. We know, within our very core, what we need to feel safe and regulated from a very young age. When we cannot get our needs met we may become extremely agitated, anxious or angry.
Our need might be for attachment so if our primary caregivers are not able to give us ‘all’ that we demand and there is ‘any’ neglect we can feel abandoned, as if we might be left to die. Yes, it is that strong a feeling. This can pave the way for a lifetime of fear of rejection. Any criticism can also feel like rejection, even if it is just perceived.
It is not bad behaviour when we fight or scream. Our nervous systems need to be regulated precisely. If our caregivers are anxious, stressed or depressed young children will pick this up through body language, eye contact and tone of voice. We need to regulate – and equalise – with a safe person. As babies and toddlers, we haven’t learned to regulate ourselves on our own yet. That gets taught – sometimes.
Any rejection or criticism through the school years or at work will have an effect as in complex post-traumatic stress.
Many ADHDers strive for success (perfection sometimes). This brings with it imposter syndrome, micro-managing, overwork, sleep issues, anxiety and chronic stress. I wonder how many of us have had feelings of rejection and criticism as children and are desperate for approval and reassurance, finding it in hyperfocus states and working and performing beyond our limits. Is this you?
In a room of ten people, nine are singing your praises and telling you what a great job you did. One person, who you barely know, gives negative feedback. What happens in your brain and body when you have left the room?
Negative ruminating thoughts, feelings of failure, shame, guilt and more I bet.
This just makes us work harder to prove that we are not rubbish. For many successful people, this can bring wealth and status. It can also cause burnout and a feeling of never being truly fulfilled.
When I did an online test I discovered I am 50% RSD. This makes sense. I can handle a good deal of rejection and criticism in different areas of my life. When rejection comes from my loved ones – friends and family – NOOOOO! That old trauma from being rejected as a kid would surface.
Luckily I have had some great therapy to work through my traumas and now don’t get triggered even a fraction as much as I used to.
Creative Writing and journalling for ADHDers
For so many of us naturally creative ADHDers writing is a superb way to enhance cognition and keep mentally well. Here’s how.
I am only an expert of myself and by sharing how creative writing almost saved my life – yes, really – I’ll show you how getting what is in your head onto paper has a myriad of benefits.
At school, I struggled a lot. I didn’t know I was wired differently but found the English Language really hard. For me, it had to do with listening to instructions, comprehension, grammar, spelling and more. I have auditory processing differences and this means that content coming into my ears was just hard to interpret.
I loved story-telling and slowly improved by sheer determination and I used a little typewriter at home which made all the difference. In the past few days, I’ve discovered I’m probably dyslexic which makes sense.
I told stories to my dolls when very young, then to friends and anyone who would listen. I was an incredible liar too. Not about really important stuff, more embellishing facts and adding colour. I’m honest to a fault now as I approach 60.
In 2007 when I was 42, I didn’t know then but I was going through peri menopause. We know so much more now about how menopause can affect our mental health when we add ADHD. My mental health was affected badly by my hormones changing and ADHD people can suffer considerably.
In 2009 I began writing my first book, The Man Who Sank Titanic, about my great grandfather, Robert Hichens, who was at the wheel when Titanic hit the iceberg.
Here we get to the creative part. I was able to use my hyper-focus skills to research and I had to get it right. I needed to build the plot and historical timeline and develop the characters so my readers felt like they were right there. It was an incredible experience and gave me so much confidence to keep writing. This is what I want to do going forward. Creative writing keeps my mind sharp and is great for memory. It opens up all sorts of neural connections and is brilliant for my visual pattern-matching needs.
Journalling has been another great way to get what is in my head onto paper. Like many ADHDers I adore stationary. I wonder how many of you have loads of notebooks, journals and an array of pens? I found it quite fascinating to look back at my journals to see how I have grown and what to look out for. One thing I discovered is that I get Seasonal Adjustment Disorder when the clocks go back and autumn and winter approaches. Journalling this enabled me to put in plans to prepare for the darker months and I feel so much better now.
Food and ADHD
Food and ADHD. There is an enormous amount that can be written about how we see and consume food and what it does to our bodies and minds. Here are some tips from a non-expert but very much an ADHDer.
Many of us aren’t just ADHD and have co-existing differences. I am also autistic and this can have a big impact on how I see food. So many of us have experienced disordered eating – eating too much, too little, not liking textures, eating the same food for ages and then hating it, eating for stress or because we are deficient in certain minerals and vitamins, which all affect our brains and bodies.
For the past four years, I’ve done oodles of research and learning. The following is what works for me. Everyone will have their own experiences.
I have craved and loved super sweet food. We’re talking sherbert as a kid, meringues, boiled sweets, chocolates, cake, fudge and ice cream. Luckily I adore savoury and spicy food in equal measure and ‘Thank God’ as this is what is saving me now.
For decades so much of of my sugar came from alcohol. As a young person, booze never made me fat. Perimenopause put a stop to that. When I quit booze I still needed sugar so consumed it in many other ways and became fat, for me.
I have found the foods that work for my body. Because I am ADHD I am interest-led, and the way my neurotransmitters work I have had to find foods that I like and will not become bored with. Novelty and ideas, creativity and focus have been vital.
The way I eat is kinda pseudo-Keto, Paleo and Mediterranean style.
Each week I make a large cauldron of cabbage soup with onions, leeks, loads of parsley, carrots, kale and savoy cabbage, oregano, green peppers and three tins of good-quality plum tomatoes. I add a dessert spoon of Swiss formula bouillon, a couple of bay leaves and extra water. I eat this daily. I know at some point I’ll need to change the menu as my need for something new approaches.
I start with a protein breakfast, mostly eggs cooked in different ways, spinach, field mushrooms, avocado and variations on this theme.
During the day I snack on Biltong and nuts – 2 Brazil nuts, 6 walnut halves, and a handful of almonds. I may not need another meal. Fruit makes up other snacks. Low-sugar varieties like blueberries, strawberries, apples and oranges.
I do treat myself to cake once a week.
My food intake is low carb and high in complex carbs. Fat and protein are key so oily fish, prawns, lean burgers, steak, chicken and pork.
I enjoy 70% dark chocolate and dates here and there.
Cravings for carbs and sugars have stopped. The weight is literally falling off and I have so much more focus and energy. Depending on whether you have different dietary requirements, you can find your recipes and menu options the way you prefer to eat.
It takes work but boy, the results are worth it!
In Conclusion
As we come to the end of #ADHDAwarenessMonth there is much to celebrate.
Here are the characteristics of ADHD that I celebrate:
- Creativity
- Solution finder and problem solver
- Good in a crisis
- Brave
- Determined
- Honest with a strong need for fairness and justice
- Compassionate
- Happily imperfect
- Strong moral compass
I’m sure you can add your own unique characteristics. When you want to know more about how you tick and want to find out how you can improve your life then please fill out a contact form for a free, twenty-minute phone consult to see whether we can work together and make living as an ADHDer a just cause for celebration!