Hi, I’m Sally, an autistic/ADHD Psychotherapist and Coach based in Frome.
Christmas can be a challenging time for people who are neurodivergent.
Here is my latest blog to support you during the countdown to Christmas, and these are the topics I’ll be covering:
- Just say “No”
- Relationship issues
- Food challenges
- Money worries
- Sensory differences
- Rejection and criticism
- Organising and planning
- Booze
- Lowering stress
- Socialising
How to Have a Christmas That Is Happy and Calm—for Everyone
Just Say “No”
So many of us spend years doing the ‘traditional’ Christmas. Sometimes the subject comes up while we’re still putting our summer holiday clothes away. “Are you coming to ours for Christmas?” Those words can fill us with dread.
There is such an expectation to do what we’ve always done. We conform to societal norms when they just don’t suit us. We are adults, and at some point, if we don’t want to do the traditional Christmas, we can say “No.” The tricky part can be how to say it without hurting other people’s feelings.
When I learned that things could actually be different by saying “No,” I discovered that the festive season can be so much better. Let’s look at some examples:
Get in first. We can instigate change. A few years back, when I knew the subject would be coming up about going to my parents for Christmas, I went round for a regular visit. In my calmest voice, making eye contact and being kind, I said, “Hey, we’re planning what we’re going to do for Christmas this year. Just for a change, we’re having Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home with the boys. We love spending time with you too, so can we come over on Boxing Day and bring games and treats?”
It worked a treat. By being kind and still offering time spent together, our family had a rare Christmas at home, and it was the best Christmas we ever had.
Work Christmas Party
I wish I had said no to all my work Christmas parties as I’m terrible at them. I needed to get very drunk just to get through them and then behaved outrageously, one time receiving a written warning the day after—oops!
The lead-up to the works do is horrendous, full of intrusive thoughts and forensically planning who you will talk to, what to say, what to wear, how much to drink, when to leave, how to get there, and absolutely not wanting to go at all.
When the subject of the Christmas party comes up, we might really want to go at that time but, as the weeks and then days run out and the day gets closer, we can feel extremely anxious. One thing we can do is to go with the flow right up until the last minute, fooling everyone with our enthusiasm, and then, if we don’t want to go, even a few hours before, we ring someone and say we’ve come down with gastric flu. Seriously, we don’t have to put ourselves through things we don’t want to do. Just say “No.”
Practising saying “No” is quite fun, and when you’ve done it a few times, you might find you have enough headspace for then saying “Yes” more often.
Relationship Issues
Christmas is such an emotional time, and we neurodivergent folks know all about emotions!
Who might you be struggling with at present when it comes to relationships? Is it your partner, friend, work colleague, or family member perhaps? How can you negotiate peaceful times over the Christmas period?
Setting Boundaries
We often find ourselves in flight or fight mode, and this can lead to difficulties communicating with people close to us. We might get angry, cry, or shut down. We might hate conflict so much that we find ourselves people-pleasing and constantly trying to keep the peace. The amount of masking we have to do can leave us feeling exhausted and burnt out.
It can be beneficial to ask for what you need when there is calm. If you are hungry, tired, poorly, or expecting your period, then this may not be such a good time to get your needs met by direct communication. When is a time that is normally a calm moment to communicate? Maybe Sunday morning in bed. How about when taking the dog for a walk or using a neutral space to talk in a calm voice, making your needs clear and not overdoing it? Make your point clearly and then move on.
Creating space in any relationship where there is tension can help. If you can see a conversation beginning to escalate, perhaps you can divert it for now or suggest coming back to the topic later when you both feel calmer—not avoiding what needs to be said, just creating some space.
It can often feel like we’re doing all the giving out and not getting enough back. How can you get some positive attention? Do you have a close friend you can call or meet up with? The run-up to Christmas is so busy. Making time for yourself can be hard, but it is so important. Can you go for a drive or take a long bath or shower? Even going for a walk, listening to music, a podcast, or an audiobook for half an hour can help you decompress and see things more clearly.
When thinking about relationships at Christmas, do you have to spend time with anyone you’d rather not? This might be school events or social engagements. You do have a choice. What do you really want to do?
Because Christmas can be such an emotional time, it might be wise to see just the people who bring you joy. Instead of being at someone’s house for the whole day, perhaps limit the time to an hour, saying you have other people to see or things to do. “It was so great seeing you, and we’ll catch up for longer next time…”
Food Challenges
So many of us have our own preferences and needs when it comes to food. Christmas can be a total nightmare, but it doesn’t have to be.
My parents were very traditional, and we’d always have turkey with a thousand vegetables, Christmas pudding, and then the ham, egg, and chips later or a buffet. I would feel like I was going to explode. As a kid, I didn’t like turkey and hated Brussels sprouts and Christmas pudding. Why should we have to eat the things we don’t like?
Sitting around a big table with lots of noise, music you don’t like, and having to wear a hat while eating all your food is, quite simply, silly. If you have autistic and/or ADHD members in your family, it’s even worse. Everyone has the right to eat what they want, where, and how they want.
In the run-up to the main event, maybe have a conversation with the people who are making the dinner, again in a kind, respectful, and calm way. By explaining who wants to eat which foods, accommodations can be made so everyone is happy. If this is going to be impossible to ask for, then ask yourself if going to that place with so many triggers is really a good idea. If necessary, bring your preferred foods to the dinner.
Money Worries
Your extended family and friends might have a lot more money than you. Christmas can be a struggle if you feel the need to compare yourself to anyone else. If your situation is different, you should be able to have a decent enough Christmas without feeling overwhelmed about presents, trees, luxury foods, and all the rest.
With our children, if we are honest and keep to our values, we can have the conversation about not overspending and not needing to max out on credit cards. The way the economy is right now, it is likely that loads of people will be cutting back. What will your children remember—in all honesty? Will they remember those expensive trainers or consoles, or will they remember that hilarious game you played, the Christmas films you all watched together, and how you were laughing all day, just being together?
This is where entitlement, perfection, overwork, and heightened emotions raise their ugly heads. By being clear early on, sticking to what you can afford, and planning a day full of happy memories to keep, you can ensure a good time for all the family. We are not perfect, and we do the best we can.
Rejection and Criticism
Neurodivergent people can take rejection and criticism really badly. As a mum, I find Christmas tough when it comes to being taken for granted and not appreciated for the effort I have made. Now I know so much more about my neurodivergent self, I have found great ways to overcome these feelings.
I ask each family member what they want to eat and what they want as presents. I’ve learned that it doesn’t work when they’re older and they say they want a surprise. The look on their faces when they don’t like the surprise can ruin my day. Every family member has equal rights—seriously.
I don’t force anyone to do what they don’t want to. For goodness’ sake, it’s only Christmas! If the kids want to lie in, so be it. They can do what they want when they want, and so can Hubster and I. Christmas in the Nilsson household is quite wonderful nowadays. It’s chilled and fun, and we all look forward to it.
Maybe try and reframe the rejection or criticism if it comes your way. Is it real, or are you just perceiving it? Pick your fights. Better still, avoid them altogether. Being aware of how rejection and criticism affect you can take the sting out of it. Google Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria or RSD. Learn about it, see how you relate, and what you can do to brush it off.
Organising, Planning, and Time Challenges
We often have challenges around organising, planning, and timings over Christmas. The question is—does it really matter?
How about doing the complete opposite of what is expected of us? Tell you what, it feels good when you do. We used to have to get up really early to open presents, wear posh clothes, and do all the traditional stuff in military fashion. I say BOLLOCKS to this!
Onesies are one of the best garments ever invented. Instead of smoked salmon blinis and champagne, I go for a big bag of cheese balls and a mug of tea. I’ll watch my fave Christmas film early (which other members can’t bear to watch for the hundredth time) in the bedroom.
For me, Christmas dinner is just another roast. No Christmas pudding. Sticky toffee pudding and vanilla Haagen-Dazs. Jamie Oliver and Delia Smith are my chefs of choice, and I use their plans and menus for the day. All the food is bought cheaply. We go for turkey legs, which are cheap and such fun to gnaw on.
Chances are, you might all be neurodivergent. You will certainly have different needs. Families come in all shapes and sizes. You might be on your own—sounds like heaven. If you are lonely, I’ll be doing a blog about that subject soon.
Don’t plan, forget organising, and ditch timings, I reckon. Do what you want and have a crazy day that you can all laugh about in years to come.
Booze
I don’t mind admitting that alcohol has made or broken Christmas over the years. In the early days, it was the norm to start drinking as soon as we got up. How stupid an idea is that? When we were in our late teens and early twenties, my brother and I often spent Christmas Day with a horrible hangover from the night before, out with mates. Yuck.
There will often be a family member or friend who gets far too drunk and either gets grumpy, horny, or morose. Boring! So many arguments happen on Christmas Day. They can end marriages, friendships, and family ties. My advice? Just be careful. Have a think about what sort of Christmas you want to have and be ready for the consequences.
Sensory Differences
Christmas can be a sensory nightmare for neurodivergent people. Dressing in clothes you don’t normally wear—thinking itchy Christmas jumpers. Everything is loud. Loud, loud, loud. It’s a good idea to have a decompression chamber in your house, even if it’s the shed at the bottom of the garden. Having a space where you can escape for a bit is essential.
Is your house like Deck the Halls? Flashing lights and those stupid singing Santas with the arses on display? If you buy your kids noisy toys, then know that you’ll be nursing a migraine by 11 a.m. Christmas Day is a great opportunity for wearing earbud loops that cut out various degrees of sound. They make a great Christmas present. Maybe wear sunglasses inside, ignoring the taunts.
Whatever you need to do to turn down the light, noise, and overstimulation, do it.
Lowering Stress
Let’s be honest, Christmas is pretty stressful for those of us who are wired differently and who are super sensitive. Accepting that, for a few days every year, there will be stress, but it will end and then we can get back to calm, helps enormously. “This time shall pass.”
Socialising
Some of us are introverts, some extroverts. I am an ambivert, which means I can be extremely introverted and extremely extroverted. I choose what I want to do socially. I might want to go and watch some open mic folk music or go for a long walk, just with Hubster. I might be in the mood to go down the pub and see friends, or I might not.
I have communicated to all my close people how I am and what my needs are. These wonderful humans know that I might cancel last minute or forget an event, and they’re cool with it. I am genuine and love deeply. I’ll socialise when I can, and if my batteries are low, I’ll nest at home. By checking how many spoons we have on any given day, we know what we can manage. Search ‘Spoon Theory.’
Conclusion
If you woke up on Christmas morning and a miracle had happened and you had everything you’ve always wanted for this day, what would it be like? Really think about it. Would it be totally bonkers for you to have the Christmas you deserve? It might be too late to organise for this year, but maybe think about Christmases to come and see what you can do to make it just how you like it. 😊